Dear Fluffy,

This has possibly been the most painful and drawn out separation I’ve had. I was so happy today. I felt like things had calmed and that things were going to be ok. I thought we were hopeful.

But then he says that we can’t talk and get over each other at the same time. We’d just continue to sit here pining for each other in a torturous limbo. And if I came to visit WM, we couldn’t see each other, he says, unless we have both completely moved on and can just be friends.

He believes he had developed a dependence on me for his happiness. And maybe it’s true.  I don’t think that cutting contact is going to fix that problem because it isn’t necessarily exclusive to me. But I understand. 

He had removed me from skype and blocked me from facebook and I can’t think it hurts so much. I just want to talk to him. I want to wake up next to him again. I want to touch him again. We spent the last 20 minutes of our conversation just staring at eachother because we didn’t want it to end. I just wanted to look at him for a little longer. The last time I’ll see his face outside of a photo for a long time.

I feel like something has been ripped out and I can’t help but wish I’d just bleed to death.

So I’m at a graduation ceremony for a friend of mine from a public school, and at first, the teachers and everyone seemed much more fun and laid back. I spent about an hour trying to figure out why my graduation seemed so uptight and what the difference was between their school and mine. And then the valedictorian opened his mouth. Never before have I wanted so badly to drink Drano.

He’s skyped me twice today. And as much as I feel obligated to refuse contact with him and hate him (as females in my position often do, so I’m told), I’m glad we’re talking. Even though it’s a lot of staring and discussing why everything fell apart, I want to see him. I miss him a lot. He’s constantly in my head in some form, usually a memory, however tiny, triggered by something random. As I went to sleep last night, all I could think about was curling up in bed with him and wishing I would wake up with him next to me.

I almost think this talking is making it harder to let go, though I have no plans to do so for some time. If he just didn’t love me and wasn’t interested in a relationship with me anymore and that was all there was to it, then I could simply cry, eat some ice cream, and swallow my pain knowing that the line has been cut. I know that the distance would make things so difficult, even more so when we start school again, and that it is in our mutual best interest to part friends, but Right now I want nothing more than to just curl up in bed with him again.

queenofthequad: